What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
14.06.2025 02:36
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Especially a lifetime of it.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Can you write a letter to your first love without mentioning his/her name?
I couldn’t, believe it.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Why do some people enjoy being dominated?
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Why did i forgive my father ?
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
How do military families handle communication when a service member is injured overseas?
She was in good health!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I have no regrets .
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Comes on , in middle age.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
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She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Why do Democrats never produce a good argument for why Trump was a bad president?
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
It was going to be , some day.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
And i lived it daily.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
How was your first cuckolding experience as a husband?
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
But ive been too sick for many years..
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
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His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
When British people write X after everything, are they being serious or trying not to be awkward?
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Would this be the day?
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Im still living with it.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
But, we were locked up after school.
I waited trembling.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Ive learnt so much.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I was scared of men, in general
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I don,t even have a pension.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
As i do to all so called friends.?
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I said to her
This is soul school!.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I was seconnd youngest,
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I could never make a relationship work though!
We all went to grammer schools
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
He resisted the act ,that day.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
She loved him until the end.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
When she asked me how she looked .
She wouldn,t have been !
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I never cut or harmed myself..
He knew the spot.
Was to survive, this bastard.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I was 9 years of age.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
(And it was in our own minds.)
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Put me off passion for life!!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
So whats the point in blame.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
The only rule us 5 kids had .
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
She married twice! .
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I write beautiful poetry .
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
My life is so biszare .
She found it foreign!.
All the time i was locked up.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I think the readers, may guess!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
My family never makes their pension either.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Im dying but, im not bitter.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
We were not on the streets..
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
One cannot live in the past .
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I will be 64.
What did i know ?
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
But it wasn’t much.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I was very sick at this time too.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
So, i spoilt her more .
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Who then, do I blame.?
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
They are buried together, in the same grave..
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.